Thank you again to everyone who has shown an interest in the column, the letter below is a response to a letter that was originally published in the 29th June 2011 with a response, I have since heard from the lady concerned and thought you may be interested in how she is progressing.
The link for those on line is http://www.theibizasun.com/back_issues/29062011/ibiza_counselling.html
for those not on line a quick recap – a lady wrote to me saying she had been living in Europe for some time and was finding it difficult to accept her self, which was making her feel as if she had made the wrong choice in leaving home.
Hello Kate,
Thank you for your response to my letter. I appreciate all the things you wrote, it seems you really understood what I was saying and what I feel. It is hard being here at times and like you said I will have my highs and my lows so I should just focus on the highs. Without the family I am living with I know I would have gone back home a while ago.. But at times without the security of my family and my old home it can be hard.
In regards to the insecurities I've had for a long time I think it's mainly feeling very outcast ... I don't really know how to explain it exactly but I've always just felt disconnected and I guess that’s why I went overseas; as to find a way to become reconnected.
Things are getting better rather than worse though which is good but I always fear I will slip into the feeling of despair again and that thought always worries me. Like you said though, with time things will get better and I truly believe that.. So I will focus on that I think..
Thank you again Kate for listening... I have never expressed my feelings to such detail before...
(This reply has been slightly edited to ensure anonymity.)
Thank you for your letter and I am glad that some of the things written were useful to you. It seems as if you have more time to reflect and process what we have spoken about and what you would like to do in the future. It is great that you are staying with a supportive family though understandable that at times being with a great family must remind you of home a little more and that can be hard, but maybe you could talk to one of the adults and let them know how you are feeling and that you might need more support emotionally at certain times when you are finding things a little more difficult.
You say you have always felt outcast and disconnected I am wondering from whom? It sounds as if you are very close to your family so could it be friends at school/college? As I said previously you made a brave choice to come overseas and it sounds as if you are very connected with your host family, have you been able to make any friends since arriving? I wonder if being in a new country and meeting people with whom you have a blank canvass has made a difference to the way you connect with them. I feel that your confidence is growing and as that happens it simultaneously becomes easier to cope with the pressures of being away from loved ones.
You are doing really well and I am so pleased that you were able to express yourself by writing to me, sometimes it is easier to write then talk and keeping a journal maybe something that will help you reflect on how things are going and give you some self support if it’s difficult to talk to those around you.
Please take care and I hope that life overseas continues to improve for you and that I am sure that this experience will give you the confidence to connect with people and forge long lasting relationships that will continue long into the future.
All the best
Kate
Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.
As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the web site can be found at www.ibizacousnelling.com
HELP YOURSELF! with tips, tricks, techniques and information from The Therapy Partnership.
Monday 25 July 2011
It's Good To Talk … Again
Thank you again to everyone who has shown an interest in the column, the letter below is a response to a letter that was originally published in the 29th June 2011 with a response, I have since heard from the lady concerned and thought you may be interested in how she is progressing.
The link for those on line is http://www.theibizasun.com/back_issues/29062011/ibiza_counselling.html
for those not on line a quick recap – a lady wrote to me saying she had been living in Europe for some time and was finding it difficult to accept her self, which was making her feel as if she had made the wrong choice in leaving home.
Hello Kate,
Thank you for your response to my letter. I appreciate all the things you wrote, it seems you really understood what I was saying and what I feel. It is hard being here at times and like you said I will have my highs and my lows so I should just focus on the highs. Without the family I am living with I know I would have gone back home a while ago.. But at times without the security of my family and my old home it can be hard.
In regards to the insecurities I've had for a long time I think it's mainly feeling very outcast ... I don't really know how to explain it exactly but I've always just felt disconnected and I guess that’s why I went overseas; as to find a way to become reconnected.
Things are getting better rather than worse though which is good but I always fear I will slip into the feeling of despair again and that thought always worries me. Like you said though, with time things will get better and I truly believe that.. So I will focus on that I think..
Thank you again Kate for listening... I have never expressed my feelings to such detail before...
(This reply has been slightly edited to ensure anonymity.)
Thank you for your letter and I am glad that some of the things written were useful to you. It seems as if you have more time to reflect and process what we have spoken about and what you would like to do in the future. It is great that you are staying with a supportive family though understandable that at times being with a great family must remind you of home a little more and that can be hard, but maybe you could talk to one of the adults and let them know how you are feeling and that you might need more support emotionally at certain times when you are finding things a little more difficult.
You say you have always felt outcast and disconnected I am wondering from whom? It sounds as if you are very close to your family so could it be friends at school/college? As I said previously you made a brave choice to come overseas and it sounds as if you are very connected with your host family, have you been able to make any friends since arriving? I wonder if being in a new country and meeting people with whom you have a blank canvass has made a difference to the way you connect with them. I feel that your confidence is growing and as that happens it simultaneously becomes easier to cope with the pressures of being away from loved ones.
You are doing really well and I am so pleased that you were able to express yourself by writing to me, sometimes it is easier to write then talk and keeping a journal maybe something that will help you reflect on how things are going and give you some self support if it’s difficult to talk to those around you.
Please take care and I hope that life overseas continues to improve for you and that I am sure that this experience will give you the confidence to connect with people and forge long lasting relationships that will continue long into the future.
All the best
Kate
Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.
As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the web site can be found at www.ibizacousnelling.com
The link for those on line is http://www.theibizasun.com/back_issues/29062011/ibiza_counselling.html
for those not on line a quick recap – a lady wrote to me saying she had been living in Europe for some time and was finding it difficult to accept her self, which was making her feel as if she had made the wrong choice in leaving home.
Hello Kate,
Thank you for your response to my letter. I appreciate all the things you wrote, it seems you really understood what I was saying and what I feel. It is hard being here at times and like you said I will have my highs and my lows so I should just focus on the highs. Without the family I am living with I know I would have gone back home a while ago.. But at times without the security of my family and my old home it can be hard.
In regards to the insecurities I've had for a long time I think it's mainly feeling very outcast ... I don't really know how to explain it exactly but I've always just felt disconnected and I guess that’s why I went overseas; as to find a way to become reconnected.
Things are getting better rather than worse though which is good but I always fear I will slip into the feeling of despair again and that thought always worries me. Like you said though, with time things will get better and I truly believe that.. So I will focus on that I think..
Thank you again Kate for listening... I have never expressed my feelings to such detail before...
(This reply has been slightly edited to ensure anonymity.)
Thank you for your letter and I am glad that some of the things written were useful to you. It seems as if you have more time to reflect and process what we have spoken about and what you would like to do in the future. It is great that you are staying with a supportive family though understandable that at times being with a great family must remind you of home a little more and that can be hard, but maybe you could talk to one of the adults and let them know how you are feeling and that you might need more support emotionally at certain times when you are finding things a little more difficult.
You say you have always felt outcast and disconnected I am wondering from whom? It sounds as if you are very close to your family so could it be friends at school/college? As I said previously you made a brave choice to come overseas and it sounds as if you are very connected with your host family, have you been able to make any friends since arriving? I wonder if being in a new country and meeting people with whom you have a blank canvass has made a difference to the way you connect with them. I feel that your confidence is growing and as that happens it simultaneously becomes easier to cope with the pressures of being away from loved ones.
You are doing really well and I am so pleased that you were able to express yourself by writing to me, sometimes it is easier to write then talk and keeping a journal maybe something that will help you reflect on how things are going and give you some self support if it’s difficult to talk to those around you.
Please take care and I hope that life overseas continues to improve for you and that I am sure that this experience will give you the confidence to connect with people and forge long lasting relationships that will continue long into the future.
All the best
Kate
Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.
As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the web site can be found at www.ibizacousnelling.com
Friday 22 July 2011
It's Good To Talk
Dear Kate
My partner regularly smokes cannabis and whilst on one hand I do not see this as a big deal as many of our friends do the same and have done for years, on the other hand it seems to be becoming more and more of an issue of late. When he smokes he is clumsy in a funny sort of way and really quite loveable. He seems funny and happy but recently his clumsiness does not seem so loveable any more. For me it’s turned into something that I had found amusing and endearing into something which is annoying and selfish.
Then when he doesn’t smoke for the first few days he seems to return to his old self, more on the ball, more dynamic and much better company, however after the first few days of giving up he then turns into what can only be described as miserable, selfish and rude, to the point where I almost want to tell him to go and get some more because useless and hap hazard is preferable to moody and angry.
My question is how can I make him see that he is pushing me away and that he needs to stop or at least cut down considerably or our relationship is in serious jeopardy. Of course this is also made worse because though we have friends here they aren’t the same as friends back in the UK so both of us feel very dependant on each other.
Yours confused – San Rafael
Dear Confused
Firstly thank you for your e-mail, you have brought up a subject which I see a lot in my private practice and though cannabis is not considered a “hard” drug, it can have more of an impact then people think, not only for the user but also those close to them.
The first thing to say is that I empathise with your situation, it can put a lot of pressure on any relationship when taken out of its comfort zone i.e. home and the expectations and hopes you both naturally place on each other can create difficulties when they are not met. However as much as you are in a couple you have to focus on yourself and what you can or cannot put up with.
Your partner may or may not give up smoking but he is the only one who can make this decision and he is the only one who can stop. Yes you can ask nicely, angrily and give ultimatums but at the end of the day he has to decide that he is going to stop and only when he does this genuinely and authentically for his own reasons will he have a chance of doing so successfully. He simply might not want to stop or cut down no matter what you say and there is also the possibility that he might try for you rather then because he believes he wants to and this is also not an ideal reason to stop or cut down.
You do however have some choices that you can make for yourself and they may seem simple on paper but I understand that in reality they are harsh and hard. All you can do is decide, if at the moment given what he is doing, you can live with it or not. If you decide you can live with it (it being his continued smoking) then we need to look at ways for his smoking to impact you in a less negative way then it is at the moment and that is a whole other area, which if you would like to contact me about, we can look at in more detail.
If however you decided that what is going on is unacceptable to you then you have the choice to leave the relationship or at least tell him of your intention so he can make some choices as to what is important to him.
Remember though smoking cannabis is an addiction and whilst many argue that it is not as addictive as hard drugs or even nicotine, it is still easy to become dependant on it and form a habit, which is hard to break. There are various support agencies on line and on the island so if you would like some more information then please do get in touch kate@ibizacounseling.com and I can give you more details.
I wish you all the best with whatever choices you decide to make.
Kate - http://www.ibizacounselling.com
My partner regularly smokes cannabis and whilst on one hand I do not see this as a big deal as many of our friends do the same and have done for years, on the other hand it seems to be becoming more and more of an issue of late. When he smokes he is clumsy in a funny sort of way and really quite loveable. He seems funny and happy but recently his clumsiness does not seem so loveable any more. For me it’s turned into something that I had found amusing and endearing into something which is annoying and selfish.
Then when he doesn’t smoke for the first few days he seems to return to his old self, more on the ball, more dynamic and much better company, however after the first few days of giving up he then turns into what can only be described as miserable, selfish and rude, to the point where I almost want to tell him to go and get some more because useless and hap hazard is preferable to moody and angry.
My question is how can I make him see that he is pushing me away and that he needs to stop or at least cut down considerably or our relationship is in serious jeopardy. Of course this is also made worse because though we have friends here they aren’t the same as friends back in the UK so both of us feel very dependant on each other.
Yours confused – San Rafael
Dear Confused
Firstly thank you for your e-mail, you have brought up a subject which I see a lot in my private practice and though cannabis is not considered a “hard” drug, it can have more of an impact then people think, not only for the user but also those close to them.
The first thing to say is that I empathise with your situation, it can put a lot of pressure on any relationship when taken out of its comfort zone i.e. home and the expectations and hopes you both naturally place on each other can create difficulties when they are not met. However as much as you are in a couple you have to focus on yourself and what you can or cannot put up with.
Your partner may or may not give up smoking but he is the only one who can make this decision and he is the only one who can stop. Yes you can ask nicely, angrily and give ultimatums but at the end of the day he has to decide that he is going to stop and only when he does this genuinely and authentically for his own reasons will he have a chance of doing so successfully. He simply might not want to stop or cut down no matter what you say and there is also the possibility that he might try for you rather then because he believes he wants to and this is also not an ideal reason to stop or cut down.
You do however have some choices that you can make for yourself and they may seem simple on paper but I understand that in reality they are harsh and hard. All you can do is decide, if at the moment given what he is doing, you can live with it or not. If you decide you can live with it (it being his continued smoking) then we need to look at ways for his smoking to impact you in a less negative way then it is at the moment and that is a whole other area, which if you would like to contact me about, we can look at in more detail.
If however you decided that what is going on is unacceptable to you then you have the choice to leave the relationship or at least tell him of your intention so he can make some choices as to what is important to him.
Remember though smoking cannabis is an addiction and whilst many argue that it is not as addictive as hard drugs or even nicotine, it is still easy to become dependant on it and form a habit, which is hard to break. There are various support agencies on line and on the island so if you would like some more information then please do get in touch kate@ibizacounseling.com and I can give you more details.
I wish you all the best with whatever choices you decide to make.
Kate - http://www.ibizacounselling.com
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